While most of us probably know how to show appreciation, even the thought of asking for appreciation or acknowledgment might feel awkward and weird. You might say,” Why should I have to ask for appreciation? If I have to do that, isn’t the appreciation being coerced?” That is how I felt when I first became aware of this concept. Of course it is nice to get appreciated without having to ask for it. Let me explain why, with this attitude, you may miss out on something you might enjoy in your partnership and why the ability to ask for appreciation can prevent resentment from building.
We all are very busy with our life challenges and we are not always as present for each other as we would like or need to be. Most of us can not read our partner’s mind, which I believe is not our job anyway. Therefore, it is actually a thoughtful and necessary act to let our partners know, what it is we would like to be acknowledged or appreciated for.
At the beginning, it might feel strange, or even a bit risky to ask your partner for appreciation. It is true that you will enter more vulnerable territory. Some of you might think this means that you are weak and needy and this is childish. But, throughout all our lives, there are certain moments, when we just need acknowledgement and recognition. If we don not receive appreciation in those moments we are at risk of building resentment, which is toxic to a relationship. Let me give you an example. There were times in my marriage when I was the only bread winner. When I came home after a long day, I was exhausted. We had an agreement that my husband would cook dinner for us. There were some evenings where he forgot to prepare dinner because he was so engrossed with writing a book. Without thinking, I would jump in and cook. I ended up feeling grumpy and irritated. What I needed was his acknowledgement and appreciation in those moments. But of course he couldn’t know. It took me a while to learn to ask for what I needed. It helped us stay connected, which allowed us to look for better solutions.
When you ask for acknowledgement and appreciation, make sure you are coming from a loving place. If you are not able to let go of irritation or frustration you may make it impossible for your partner or spouse to give you what you are asking for. All your partner will hear is your whining or your critique. Allow yourself to be vulnerable instead and share from your heart. In my situation, all I needed was a hug and a thank you, which was easy for my husband to give me, once he knew. It can be that simple and it made all the difference in the world.
Who would not be happy to fulfill such a need in a relationship unless he or she is needy for acknowledgment themselves or something else is going on? I would like to encourage you to dare to show your partner your true needs. It does not mean that they will be always fulfilled, but I think once your partner is aware of your specific need, he or she can easily give it to you. Because it simply feels good to make one’s partner happy. And you as a couple will feel closer and more connected.