Thanksgiving and Hannukah have passed and Christmas and the New Years are ahead. This is a time for family, friends, celebration, and peace. It is also a time when many of us experience extra tension or stress in our relationships and the holidays can feel like we’re entering a mine field of unexpected blow ups.
Holidays can trigger feelings and produce expectations in you that you might not even be aware of. It does not mean that anything is wrong with your relationship if you find yourself all of a sudden in the middle of an argument with your partner. It could happen at the most innocuous times, while you are preparing your holiday dinner for example, or when engaged in other activities together. In fact, unexpected arguments are quite common during this time of the year.
Be extra gentle and understanding with yourself and one another. Avoid picking at each other and getting into an argument. Express what makes you unhappy, stressed or fearful. Put energy into discussing what you need from each other right now and what would be helpful. Again, give yourself and your partner some extra slack. It will help to keep you from taking things too personally. Remember, it is the time of the year that is stressful, not necessarily your relationship that is causing stress! If you have children, be extra loving with them as well. Holidays come with a certain amount of built-in stress that we need to be aware of and counterbalance. A good way to do that is by increasing the positivity in your relationship. Experiment with going out of your way to notice and express what you appreciate and like about your partner and your partnership. It can be small things like how much you liked the way he or she looked at you. But it makes a huge difference whether you just keep your thoughts to yourself or whether you express them out loud. It might make you both feel so good that you will decide to keep doing it and make it a habit for the New Year.
If you have the same arguments that come up every year, maybe now is the moment to come up with a preventive strategy or a plan beforehand so you do not step into the same traps over and over again? Make your relationship your first priority. Relax, take time to sit together with a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or go for a walk. Share your hot spots and trigger points. Learn what kind of extra support you need from each other. Remember, it is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about discovering how the holidays can be more enjoyable for both of you and the whole family. It is about being in touch with what is meaningful to you and what you value.
If you are alone during the holidays, have a little pow wow with yourself. Acknowledge what is difficult for you around these days. Remember what actions have helped you in the past or envision how you would like your holidays to look and who could be your ally. It can be fun to do something completely different. You might even consider inventing a new holiday tradition.
For those folks who don’t grapple with the above issues and cannot relate to what I am writing about, simply enjoy the holidays with your family, friends and partners.