In one of my previous blogs I touched on the subject of vulnerability in relationships. Since vulnerability plays such a key role in creating connection and intimacy with one another and because this subject is so close to my heart, I decided to look at it in more depth.
A lot of adults consider showing vulnerability a weakness. Being in control, staying cool and not showing much emotion is still highly valued in our society, not only among teenagers. And yet, when I see clients in my practice, most of them are longing for more connection and intimacy. They may not specifically say that but express it instead in terms of “wanting to improve their communication skills” or are perhaps looking for some pointers on how to deal with frustration and anger in relationships. They might want to discuss if staying together makes sense. As paradoxical as this might sound, I consider showing vulnerability a strength.
Being in control and not showing much emotion may be critical skills for a fire fighter, a surgeon, a member of a first response team, or a soldier at war. But when we are in less extreme job situations or in our personal relationships, being controlled and staying cool can become obstacles to creating connection and intimacy, because they keep us distant from one another. The fear of vulnerability often prevents us from fully engaging with each other. If we have to keep parts of ourselves hidden or are on guard, we cannot connect on a deep level.
Everyone feels vulnerable in their own way. Some people enter vulnerable territory by admitting they don’t know something. Asking for help may make others feel vulnerable. For most of us, it is challenging to acknowledge that we are feeling hurt, angry, hopeless, small, sad, disappointed, scared or aroused. If we were shamed as children when we showed those feelings, we learned to hide them well. Acknowledging those feelings now can be too risky, because we feel too exposed. We are afraid of being rejected or judged. That is the reason why it often takes a lot of trust and courage to show our vulnerabilities. It is important that we carefully choose when and to whom we are vulnerable. When we feel safe with someone and trust that person, it is easier to move out of our comfort zone and share emotions or needs that make us feel vulnerable. Being able to do so will open up the space for unlimited connection and intimacy.
I recently heard a cool definition of the term intimacy, “into me see”. It illustrates beautifully that without vulnerability there is no intimacy, because you have to be able to allow your partner to see into you uncensored.
It is my wish that all of us are able to find people and circumstances in which we can embrace our vulnerability. It makes us human and is liberating. Most of all in intimate partnerships, where there are always new layers and new levels of intimacy that can be discovered. Intimacy can and will happen naturally when we feel safe to be ourselves. Staying away from any form of judgement helps when you want to reveal your vulnerabilities to each other. Replace judgment with acceptance and curiosity by opening your heart and your mind. The more you can accept your own feelings of vulnerability, the easier it is for you to accept vulnerability in your partner.