In my last blog I wrote that there cannot be intimacy without vulnerability. Today I want to add that without trust there is no vulnerability or intimacy. Trust is the foundation for both. When we do not trust our partners, intimacy has no chance to deepen.
There may have been instances when our trust was broken or even destroyed by someone with whom we were close. Some of those stories can go back to our childhood including traumatic events such as physical violence or sexual abuse. Or, they can be as seemingly innocuous as broken promises. They can destroy our trust so completely that some of us may need therapy in order to process those events and heal from them. But let us have a look at what promotes trust in our partnership and what breaks it, starting with what can break it.
The process of trust breaking down between partners often begins when we discover they have lied to us or have not kept their promises or agreements. Because partners play such a significant part in our lives, we are far more impacted by their actions than by the actions of others. Being lied to, having to deal with broken promises and agreements can quickly feel like betrayal. When we cannot address and resolve these issues with one another, we emotionally distance ourselves from our partners in order to avoid being hurt again. Being shamed, criticized, ridiculed or any other form of judgment can also affect trust negatively. If we are consistently put down or feel rejected by our partners and they do not change their behavior, it can destroy our trust to a degree where separation might become inevitable. Feeling physically threatened and unsafe can result in separation as well. Broken trust can be restored, while trust completely destroyed sometimes cannot be repaired. In any case, it will take much effort, time, courage and willingness on both sides to make it happen.
If we want to create a healthy and thriving partnership, it is crucial that we build trust with each other. What helps us to do that? Like many other things in life it starts with small steps. I remember when I met my husband for the first time and we decided to expand our conversation into a hike and dinner. He was a single dad and he told me that he had to call his daughter to let her know. I was impressed. Every time he could not keep a date with me or was running late, I also appreciated that he would let me know. Small things like that made him trustworthy to me. I believe that we all have specific needs that have to be met by others in order to be able to trust. Those needs can vary and are personal to each of us.
Trust between partners is something that is earned and continuously built upon. We cannot expect blind trust from each other. We have to be transparent in our actions and sensitive to our partner’s needs. Keeping trust demands continuous respect and should never be abused or manipulated for personal gain.
Being honest is another wonderful trust builder. It is better to acknowledge our shortcomings and mistakes than to try and cover them up. The truth will out and most of the time our partners will learn about our deception anyway. It makes no sense to put our relationship in jeopardy for the relief of a momentary avoidance, so why not be honest from the beginning? The higher the level of trust in our partnership, the more comfortable we are with showing our vulnerability which, in turn, will naturally deepen our connection and intimacy.
In summary, feeling physically and emotionally safe with our partners is built on establishing trust. That is what allows us to be close and at our most vulnerable, which results in deepened intimacy and sexuality.