Last month I had the honor to be the guest speaker at the North County Women in Business Network in Willits. I used the opportunity to reflect on my coaching work and my focus on conflict resolution in relationships, teaching people how to handle conflict with ease. When I was preparing my speech, I gained more clarity regarding the three choices we have when we are experiencing a conflict with another person, and what the implications are. In this blog I will present a summary of my latest discoveries.
In my practice, I encourage my clients to learn to embrace conflicts instead of being afraid or in denial, because I believe that conflict can be a doorway to the next level of intimacy. It can be used to enhance our personal growth, mutual understanding, creativity, and development of our relationships. I encourage people to choose consciously which issues to bring up and which one’s to let go. I call this making your first choice. The next significant choices come right after that, if you have chosen to address the issue. Will you follow the common “power struggle” path where no one can “win” but both parties involved end up feeling more disconnected, hurt and frustrated than before? Or as a third choice, will you choose path number two, which will lead to deeper mutual understanding, feeling more connected than before, and finding solutions? Choosing path number two is not easy for most of us, because it brings us to an inner edge, that we will have to cross, if we want to stay on this path. Despite our disagreements, we will have to stay curious and available to one another. Our brains will naturally want to slip back into old patterns of defensiveness or attack mode around conflicts, which is part of our primal survival instincts as neuroscience has proven now. But luckily, we also have a secondary system working for us, which helps us make conscious and appropriate decisions. Once we understand this phenomena, it is easier for us to access that secondary system.
Let me explain more about the differences between path one and path two. On path number one the main question is “Who is right and who is wrong?”, meaning I am right and you are wrong. Path one is “I”- centered, often you against me. On path number two, the main questions are “What does our relationship need?” “What do I need?” “What does my partner need?” On path two, it is about “We” as true partners.
As you can see, each path’s questions point to either “my way or the highway”, or to “let’s work this out for the greater good.” The communication styles are very different. On path one you will find the toxic communication styles that I have discussed in a previous blog such as blaming, name calling, criticism, defensiveness, and shutting down. Each party is struggling for power over the other. Often there is a lot of drama. On path two, each person is far less defensive and is able to talk about what is really going on. They share their needs, fears, disappointments, and dreams. They are able to stay open to one another, listening and asking questions. If they get triggered during the discussion they can take a break, in order to calm themselves down. Choosing path two will ensure that the dialogue will continue because the goal is to find a solution or at least acknowledge each other’s differences in needs and perspective. The principal interest is to share power and empower each other. They know that not only will they as individuals profit, their relationship will profit and grow too.
I chose a long time ago to practice path two and explore my options there. I am sharing this with you so you become aware that when in conflict with someone you too have these choices.