Dear Doris,
I understand that in order to be in a healthy relationship we must tend to our own needs first so that we are healthy as we can be. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to learn to do as I wasn’t raised that way but to think of others’ needs first. Do you have any recommendations/tools/practices on how one changes such behavior?
L.
Dear L.
I think it all comes down to being able to choose consciously between your needs and those of others. When we are in healthy relationships, we do things for each other because we want to and we enjoy it. It’s a flow of giving and receiving. It sounds like you are not yet comfortable with choosing your needs and desires first. Be assured, you already have taken the most important step into this new direction. You are aware of what is going on and of what you would like to change. That is a wonderful start!!!
Here are some effective questions to ask yourself: “Do I feel obligated to do that, can I say no, or can I do it later at a more convenient time?” If you continuously do things out of obligation and neglect your own needs, you risk the danger of resenting that person or yourself for doing something that you feel forced to do. Carrying around resentments can easily hurt the relationship you have with that person in the long run. In your situation, I recommend you take a moment before you cater to another’s needs and ask yourself: “Do I really want to do that?” If your answer is yes, ask yourself: “When is a good time for me to do it?” If the answer is no, then don’t. Of course, in emergency situations we often can’t choose, we must act, but most of the time we have a choice.
It will take some practice before taking care of your own needs can become a new habit of yours. For now, I recommend you to invest your energy into the questions above. Take your time to answer them for yourself. Not only will you profit, but the relationships you have with others will prosper as well. It might be interesting for you to journal or pay attention to the feelings and thoughts that come up when you start attending to your needs first.
Do not be surprised if you encounter shame, guilt, and/or feelings of being selfish. A lot of people confuse self-care with being selfish. Being in a relationship and taking care of our own needs can be a complex process. If it gets difficult for you to stick to your new practice, think about how you and the people around you will profit when you feel less “put upon” and when you are taking care of yourself. Think about how your relationships will be much stronger when resentments have no ground in which to grow.
Next, give yourself a time frame to practice this new behavior. Evaluate your feelings and your progress after this designated time period and decide whether you want to prolong it or not. If you want, you can inform the other person of your new practice. It may help him or her to better understand what you’re trying to achieve. Most important, make it a fun learning experience for yourself and forgive yourself if you have any relapses. Remember to celebrate your successes, even if they seem small.
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com