Dear Doris,

I have lost a lot of loved ones in the last years. I am not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. I don’t even feel like celebrating. It seems so hard to get away from those holidays. Everywhere I go there are signs of them.

R.

Dear R.

My heart goes out to you for your losses! The upcoming holiday season can be challenging for many, but especially for those like you who have lost loved ones. You can get swept away by grief or it may feel like you have to let your loved ones go all over again and make peace with the fact that they have passed on. Know that you are not alone in experiencing feelings like that.

In my eyes, you are already doing the best you can by honestly acknowledging and expressing how the holidays make you feel. If it feels right to you, allow yourself to not celebrate this year, at least not in the usual way. When we experience grief, it is especially important that we stay true to our feelings. Other people’s expectations have to wait. I call this taking good care of yourself and that is what you need to do right now. Think about what would serve you best this year. Would you prefer to be alone over the holidays or would you prefer to have company? Perhaps a mix of both?

If you choose to be alone, figure out how and where you would like to spend your time with the intention of being especially loving and gentle toward yourself. When grief strikes you, try to find a joyous way to honor and remember the loved ones you miss so much. Let your connection with your loved ones and your own creativity be your guides. And last, if being alone doesn’t work out the way you were hoping, I recommend you have a plan B just in case. If you feel the need for company, don’t hesitate to reach out to others. Share your thoughts and feelings about the upcoming holidays with a person you feel close to and trust, and ask if he or she could be your “holidays” ally. Be honest and straight forward with your needs. Remember how good it feels when others ask you to support them in a specific way.

If you choose to be with others, find out ahead of time who might be available. Check out what is going on in your community and nearby that interests or sounds fun to you, and find out whom you could ask along if you don’t want to go by yourself.

When we are in touch with our needs and with what is meaningful to us, the commercial world or what others think, affects us less.

Here are some examples that others have shared with me or I found helpful in coping with the holidays while grieving. May they inspire you to discover what the best course of action is for you: Treat yourself to a nice meal with candle light and your favorite music. Take a warm bath. Go for a hike. Journal (about what made your loved ones so special or write them a letter and share with them your thoughts). Read, draw, look at old pictures, cook your loved one’s favorite dishes and/or drink their favorite wine. Start the special project that has been on hold for years. You may want to invite friends for dinner or volunteer to help out at a soup kitchen or walk dogs at an animal shelter or …

I hope that you will find a way to turn the upcoming holidays into a good experience despite your losses.

Happy Holidays to you and everyone else! And a Happy New Year!

Doris

 

If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com