Dear Doris
Our 12 year old son is harassing us way too often with his anger and cuss words. I am wondering if cutting his computer time is a good strategy. I am thinking about giving him more computer time when he stops this behavior and less when he doesn’t. What do you think?
G.
Dear G.
Thank you for reaching out to me with a child-parent question. I really appreciate that. Good for you that you decided to stop tolerating being cussed at and that you are looking into taking action.
In my eyes, this situation has four aspects to keep in mind. First, your son needs to understand what impact his cussing has on the family. He will need you to mirror back to him how being cussed at makes you feel, and what impact it has on your relationship with him in that moment. Mirroring back means sharing your feelings with him in an honest, nonjudgmental way. It is important that you leave judgement out because that might trigger defensiveness or rebellious feelings in him, which would be counter productive.
Second, what will help your son stop this behavior? I really like your idea of rewarding him when he curbs the old behavior and withholding a privilege when he does not. Depending on the relationship you have with each other, and how mature your son is, you might even discuss together what might help him to stop cussing. Make it an interesting challenge to your son. Often times children have a good sense of what will support them and what not. Whatever you decide, make a contract with him in which the expected behavior and consequences are clearly spelled out. That way, there is no room for confusion or forgetting.
If the above does not work, or you want to pursue a more profound change, aspects three and four can help you understand his behavior better and offer a more permanent solution. Aspect number three involves observing your son to determine if he is copying this behavior from someone else in your family or perhaps from his friends. Who else in your son’s life might be cussing when they are frustrated or upset?
The fourth aspect is a long term goal. You might be able to help your son to get in touch with the feelings behind his frustration and his unmet needs, so he can express those instead. To give you an example, a lot of people express anger when they are actually feeling inferior, helpless, sad, hurt, jealous, etc. They cover up their actual feelings with anger. In reality, they might need some words of reassurance, an acknowledgement for something they did, or maybe just a hug. If your son learns how to express his actual needs, he will have learned an important life lesson for all his relationships. Some people learn this on their own, while others might need professional help. In case of children, it is important that the parents are adept at expressing their actual feelings and needs so they can model this behavior to their children.
Warmly,
Doris
If you have any relationship questions, please send them to doriswier@embraceconflicts.com